my mouth tastes like poor choices
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Is Oprah even human
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
