a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Don't make out with my wife yet
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
