I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
