The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
