i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
