the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
