She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
