Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
