i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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