I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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