took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
