i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
