You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
