I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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