I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
