Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
