I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
