I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
