omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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