matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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