i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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