Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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