You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
