I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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