I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
