White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
