Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
