u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
