My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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