Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
