At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
