i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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