U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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