Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Randomize
