Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
