I want to have your abortion
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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