If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
