He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
