I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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