xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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