i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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