Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
