The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
