THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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