So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
