i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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