I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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