call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
