Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
