the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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