Someone shit on the floor
i love accidental penises.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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