If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
